The Darndest Things

I submit to you several reasons why I LOVE being around children:

1. A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

2. Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

3. One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex." "Good morning pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 8:30 or the 11:00?"

4. This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in).
· In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
· Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
· Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
· The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
· Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
· Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
· The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
· The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
· Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
· The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
· David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
· Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
· When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
· When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
· Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
· Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
· It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
· The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
· One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
· St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
· Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.